Soul Calibur Talent Contest
by Sonata-Time-Nocturne-Flare-Aoi
Summary: Complete! Tira and Nightmare are hosting the first ever Soul Calibur Talent Contest! Which characters will win as ‘Most Talented’ in this funny fic? Rated T for language, violence, and suggestive themes.
1. Chapter 1

**Story**: Soul Calibur Talent Contest  
**Authors**: Master Jin Sonata & Time Master  
**Written**: January 2008  
**Genre**: Humor  
**Rating**: T (Language and Violence)  
**Authors' Note**: After the success of 'Soul Calibur Beach Party', we've decided to do another story! Enjoy!  
**Disclaimer**: We do not own Namco or the awesome Nightmare and Tira!

* * *

_**Part 1 of 3**_

It was evening.

In the farthest reaches of the region was a great gathering of heroes alike. A very large cathedral stood as the gathering place of those who wish to make a name for themselves.

The crowds of people who came to watch this event were in the thousands. In the center of a very large and well-lit stage stood the hosts of the event.

**Cheerful Tira**: Welcome everyone to the First Annual Soul Calibur Talent Contest! I'm your host, Tira!

**Nightmare**: And I'm her co-host, Nightmare!

**Cheerful Tira**: Tonight we are broadcasting live from the Lost Cathedral, where many talented individuals have come to claim the title as 'Most Talented' in the world! Too bad my buddy Nightmare here has no talent of his own!

**Nightmare**: H-hey! That's a rather cheap statement!!!

**Emo Tira**: I was just kidding you ass.

**Nightmare**: …Oh…I knew that…

**Emo Tira**: Actually…I wasn't kidding. You really have no talent other than being a bucket of bolts.

**Cheerful Tira**: (Sweatdrop) …Anyways, let's introduce our panel of judges for tonight!

On the side of the stage were seats where the panel of judges sat. The three judges stood and introduced themselves.

"**Greetings, I am Raphael, the greatest fencer in the world! I've taken time off of my busy schedule to evaluate these commoners who claim they have some talent. This should prove to be boring, however,"** Raphael said with a cheeky grin.

"**Hiya! I'm ****Xianghua****! I'm not quite sure why I'm here, but I'll do whatever these guys do!"** Xiangua said with a really clueless look.

"**I'm Cervantes, and I'll be judging these worthless people tonight. If they fail to entertain me, I will force them to offer their souls onto me!"** Cervantes said with an evil smile.

**Nightmare**: Dammit! You know, I really wanted his job!

**Emo Tira**: You couldn't handle a job as a judge even if your life depended on it…not that you have a life anyway you possessed piece of junk!

Nightmare looks at the audience with a somewhat uneasy look on his face.

**Nightmare**: This woman scares me at times…and I married her too…

**Cheerful Tira**: Okay! Let's get this show started! We will now show you tonight's list of competitors!!!

* * *

**Soul Calibur Talent Contest List of Participants**  
**Act 1**: Maxi  
**Act 2**: Link  
**Act 3**: Voldo  
**Act 4**: Lizardman  
**Act 5**: Rock, Siegfried, and Astaroth  
**Act 6**: Talim  
**Act 7**: Zasalamel and Yunsung  
**Act 8**: Olcadan  
**Act 9**: Heihachi  
**Act 10**: Taki, Sophitia, Seong Mi-na, Cassandra, and Setsuka.

* * *

**Nightmare**: Our first contender is Maxi, who will show us his incredible nunchaku skills!

**Cheerful Tira**: Let the show begin!

The audience cheered wildly as Maxi walks on stage and bows before everyone.

"**Witness my awesome skills!" **Maxi says as he whips out his nunchucku and began twirling it around while yelling like Bruce Lee until…

**CRACK!!!**

…he accidentally whacks himself on the head with them, causing him to fall to the ground like a still board, unconscious.

The entire audience, judges, and hosts all stare at the scene with a 'WTF' expression on their faces.

**Emo Tira**: Well that definitely sucked…

**Nightmare**: Uh…judges? What do you say?

"**That was the most deplorable, unrefined, and flat-out disgraceful display of fighting technique and prowess I have ever seen. He gets a (Zero),"** Raphael says.

"**Uh…that was…okay…I guess?" **Xianghua says, giving the performance a (Three).

"**BOR-ING You get a big fat (ZERO)!"** Cervantes yells out from his seat.

**Nightmare**: …Um…and there you have it! Wasn't that exciting?

**Emo Tira**: Yeah…about as exciting as you are in bed…

**Nightmare**: (Sweatdrop) Uh…well…eheheh…don't mind her, folks, we'll now take a short break while we prepare the next set of talented individuals for your viewing pleasure.

_**End of Part 1**_

**Please review!!!**


	2. Chapter 2

_**Part 2 of 3**_

**Nightmare**: And now we're back!

**Cheerful Tira**:We now move on to our next set of performances!

**Nightmare**: Next up is the hero hailing from Hyrule: Link, showing us some of his fighting skills as well!

**Emo Tira**: You should take note, honey…

**Nightmare**: Are you implying that my fighting skills aren't top notch?

**Emo Tira**: …………Yes.

**Nightmare**: Meanie…

The audience cheers as Link steps onto the stage and bows before everyone, drawing his sword, preparing to show off some moves.

While Link got himself ready, Link's arch-enemy: Ganondorf, sneaks in from out of nowhere and grabs Raphael from behind, pulling him away from the judges table and proceeds to kick the crap out of him. Afterwards, Ganondorf slips back in wearing Raphael's' clothes and sits in his spot.

Link began his performance with several sword fighting techniques, evasive rolls, and other such abilities he knew.

All the while, Ganondorf was pulling out a rather large gun and carefully aimed it at Link on stage.

Before he could fire, Xianghua leans over toward him.

"**My, Raphel, you sure look different all of a sudden! No matter…hey! What's that you've got? Can I see it?"** Xianghua asks as she began messing around with Ganondorf's gun. Both of them start a tug of war for control of the gun…

**BLAM!!!**

…ultimatly ending with the gun being fired toward Link, which narrowly missed him by a few inches.

Link stops his act and glares at Ganondorf. He whips out a lit bomb and begins persuing Ganondorf, who had now got up and was fleeing the Cathedral.

Again, everyone looked at each other with a 'WTF' expression. Cervantes stood up and began to speak.

"**Someone send a cameraman after those two. I wish to see the fopotage of how this ends later on," **Cervantes said with an anticipating grin.

Raphel, meanwhile, eventualy regains conciuosness and wobbles back towad the judges table, in his underware, wondering who the hell knocked him out and jacked his clothes.

**Cheerful Tira**: …Uh…Wasn't that exciting, folks?

**Nightmare**: If…you say so…not much of a performance if you ask me…

**Emo Tira**: Shut up, bucket-head, I wasn't talking to you!

**Nightmare**: Sorry…(Whimpers)

**Cheerful Tira**: On with the next act then! We now introduce you to Voldo, who will be performing…a lap dance?!?!?

**Nightmare**: What?! That's not allowed, is it?

**Cheerful Tira**: Oh well, let's just bring him out and see what happens!

**Nightmare**: You would…

Voldo slinks his way onto the stage and bows. Suddenly, some high tech, interpretive dance music began blaring through the speakers around him. Voldo immediately began shaking his moneymaker as he moves to the music. He continues by grabbing his crotch and performing a provocative pelvic thrust motion before turning toward the judges and strutting up toward them. Voldo reaches the table and stops in front of the half-dressed Raphael.

"**Oh no…no…no…you're not going to lap dance on me you filthy freak!"** Raphael protests, but Voldo flips over the table and begins dancing provocatively in front of Raphael.

**Nightmare**: This is…scary…

**Emo Tira**: This is sick!

After Voldo was finished, he left Raphael, who was looking redder than a ripe tomato from embarrassment. Voldo returns to the stage and bows before leaving.

**Emo Tira**: Uh…yeah…that was totally gay…judges, what do you have to say?

"**That was…different…yeah! I give it a (Five),"** Xianghua replies.

"**I've never been so emberrased in my life! That horny bastard gets a freaking (Zero)!" **Raphel responds, putting on a spare change of clothes he brought with him as he spoke.

"**That dance reminds me of the time I spent in India several years back. Good times. Mr. Bandage-face gets a (Nine),"** Cervantes responds.

**Cheerful Tira**: And there you have it!

**Nightmare**: Now to our next act. We now have Lizardman and his troupe of dancers performing a classic dance routine.

**Emo Tira**: Oh great, another dance. Better not suck like the last one.

Lizardman walks out onto the stage and looks at the audience. Then, with a quick clap, Lizardman summons twenty more Lizard Men to appear behind him on stage.

"**GRR!"** Lizardman growls, signaling the DJ to start he music.

The music began, as all of the Lizard Men began dancing in unison to Michael Jackson's 'Thriller'. Lizardman and his troupe performed the entire routine perfectly without any faults throughout the duration of their turn. The display even had the judges standing up and dancing with them, including Raphael. When they finished, they bowed to a cheering audience.

**Nightmare**: This was without a doubt the best performance yet!

**Cheerful Tira**: For once I agree with you! Let's hear what the judges have to say!

"**This was much more tasteful than Voldo's disastrous display of…dancing. I say a (Seven),"** Raphael responded.

"**That was super cool! I give it a (Ten)!"** Xianghua stated happily.

"**This new music and their dance moves the young ones play these days are not bad. I give it a (Seven),"** Cervantes said.

**Nightmare**: The best score yet!

**Cheerful Tira**: Yep! Just in time too! If these performances got progressavly worse, I might have had to take my frustration out on you!

**Nightmare**: Don't be silly, you wouldn't do that…would you?

**Emo Tira**: (Is now holding a very large mallet that could be used to crush Nightmare into a can of tuna)

**Nightmare**: (Gulps) I see your point…well, time for another short break! We'll be back soon for the final part of the show! Stick around!

**_End of Part 2_**

**Please review!!!**

**Authors Note**: Thank you for the reviews so far! We know you guys are waiting to see the 10th Act. (Waves a teasing finger) Heehee...you're just gonna have to wait a little longer!


	3. Chapter 3

_**Part 3 of 3**_

**Nightmare**: Welcome back ladies and gentlemen to the final half of tonight's Talent Contest!

**Cheerful Tira**: Next in our lineup are Rock, Siegfried, and Astaroth, as they display their awesome strength to the audience!

The audience claps as all three men, all oiled up and wearing speedos step onto the stage, effortlessly holding gargantuan dumbbell and other weights.

"**Yeah! We're going to show you how tough we are, WORMS!"** Astaroth proclaimed to everyone in the audience as he, and the other two men began doing reps using 1000-pound weights.

However, as soon as Rock began lifting his weights, something popped out of his speedo.

It was a pill bottle of some sorts. Nightmare walks over and picks it up.

**Nightmare**: What the?! These are steroids!!

"**Oh crap!"** Rock said as he and the others stop dead in their tracks when their performance enhancing drugs were discovered.

**Emo Tira**: I knew those muscle bound losers couldn't be that strong! What a bunch of cheating bastards!

**Nightmare**: I smell a 'disqualification' in the air.

**Emo Tira**: Smells more like your armpits. Did you shower this morning?

**Nightmare**: Um…er…maybe…

"**Let's get out of here!"** yelled Siegfried as he and the others ran off the stage in a flurry, with Rock dropping another bottle of pills during the escape. Nightmare picks it up and examines it.

**Nightmare**: …Viagra?!

"**Let's move on to the next one already!! I'm sick of horny, muscular men!!"** Cervantes proclaimed from the judges booth.

"**Yes, the dead pirate is right. Let's see some women already,"** Raphael stated, arms crossed.

**Nightmare**: We will get to the ''All Women' segment at the end, fellas. But for now, let's get the rest of the contenders out of the way first.

**Cheerful Tira**: Next up we have Talim, who will be displaying her expertise of the wind!

The audience claps as Talim walks onto the stage, and bows before everyone.

"**EYAAAAAAA!!"**

Before she could even get started, Ganondorf shot out from behind the curtains yelling like a girl, followed by Link, who was now shooting at his arch enemy with his bow and arrow. Apparently the two were still at it trying to take down one another since Link's debut earlier in the show.

"**Hey you two! You're ruining my act!"** Talim yells out to both persons. **"Go take your meaningless fight somewhere else!" **

Both Link and Ganondorf stop and look at Talim. They look at each other, before nodding in agreement to go after her instead.

"**Hey…what the…what are you…Eeeeek!!" **Talim shrieked, as she was now being pursued by both men off of the stage for no reason.

**Emo Tira**: Okay, what the hell, people?! What's with these interruptions and crap? What the hell is security doing?

**Nightmare**: You shot down the proposal to have security because you said we couldn't afford it, remember?

**Emo Tira**: Well yeah, only because you didn't have any more funds on your credit card to reimburse them at the time!

**Nightmare**: …Wait…how did you get my credit card…?

**Cheerful Tira**: (Cutting Nightmare off) Moving on then! Let's introduce our next act: a rap song performed by Yunsung and Zasalamel!

The audience cheers wildly as Yunsung and Zasalamel enter the stage, both dressed in hip-hop-fashion street clothes. Yunsung tosses a cassette tape toward the DJ as he began to play the music.

Both men start rapping and singing to the song 'Gangsta's Paradise' by Coolio. This, while it didn't have any feministic charm the judges wanted, still pleased them for their rapping skills.

"**Heh, seems like every few performances we finally get a good selection. Those two get a (Seven),"** Raphael responded.

"**Ooh, I like culture! The duo gets a (Eight),"** Xianghua said.

"**Eh, it s all right,"** Cervantes said. **"They get a (Seven)."**

**Cheerful Tira**: And there you have it folks! Let's move on to our next performer!

**Nightmare**: We now have Olcadan with his comedy routine!

The audience cheered as Olcadan (in his owl form) steps out onto the stage.

"**Alright! Let's get this comedy routine on the road!"** Olcadan said, grabbing his mic, ready to start.

"**Oh cool, an owl! Say that funny 'O RLY' line!"** Xianghua said, hopping up and down with excitement.

"…**What?! No! I'm saying that idiotic, overused line!"** Olcadan said, shaking his head.

"**Pleeeaaassseee?"** Xianghua insisted.

"**I said no!"** Olcadan shot back.

"**Oh…okay…Say, you have a stain on your chest!"** Xianghua, pointing at Olcadan's chest area.

"**O RLY?!"** Olcadan says, eyes raised.

"**YA RLY!!"** Xianghua added.

"**NO WAI!!"** Olcadan responded, looking down to see that he had been tricked.

"**DAMMIT!!"** Olcadan groans, face-palming himself in embarrassment, now walking off the stage in a huff.

The entire audience laughed at the exchange between Olcadan and Xianghua.

"**Hahaha, that was rich! Xianghua gets a (Nine) for making an ass out of the owl!"** Cervantes said with a laugh.

"**Quite amusing indeed. Xianghua gets an (Eight),"** Raphael says.

**Nightmare**: Well that's a first…since when do we give scores to judges?

**Cheerful Tira**: Don't know and don't care! That was awesome!

**Nightmare**: Well…as long as it made you happy…heh.

**Cheerful Tira**: Next up in tonight's show is Heihachi Mishima as he displays some of his martial arts moves!

Heihachi waks onto the stage wearing nothing but his Japanse thong.

The entire audience laughed as they saw him in his attire (or lack of).

"**What? Why are you all laughing? This thong**** represents the confidence in my great power!"** Heihachi shot back at everyone.

"**Get off the stage! We don't want to see a half-nude old man,"** Raphael called out from his table.

"**The man is right. I swear I'll steal the souls of everyone in this entire cathedral if I have to sit through another suggestive male performer!"** Cervantes added.

"**Hmph! I'm out of here!"** Heihachi grumbled, leaving stage in and and in emberasment.

**Nightmare**: Eh…I'm with the male judges on this one…

**Emo Tira**: You would…at least he looks better in a thong than you do!

**Nightmare**: Ouch…um…well folks, its time for our final act!

**Cheerful Tira**: Tonight's final perforemance consists of five lovley ladies.

**Nightmare**: Put your hands together for Taki, Sophitia, Seong Mi-na, Cassandra, and Setsuka. They are 'The Soul Calibur Dolls!'

(The Pussycat Doll's 'Dontcha' music starts playing as all five women step out onto the stage wearing extremely suggestive attire.)

All of the men's eyes in the audience nearly pop out of their heads as they saw this.

Taki, the leader of the group, grabbed the mic and started singing in a smooth sexy voice while slowly walking up to the judge's table.

**Taki**: I know you like me  
I know you do  
That's why whenever I come around  
She's all over you  
I know you want it  
It's easy to see  
And in the back of your mind  
I know you should be on with me…

Taki was now on the judge's table, slowly crawling toward Raphael and Cervantes. Both men looked as though they were about to pass out from too much sexiness coming from her.

**Taki and the others**: Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?  
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?  
Don't cha  
Don't cha  
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me?  
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me?  
Don't cha  
Don't cha

Both judges fall out of their chairs in a daze. They couldn't handle the heat from the performance. Xianghua blinked as she tried to understand why the other judges fell out.

The entire audience (well, namely the male populous) was ogling over the girls as they performed. The wives and girlfriends within the audience now tried to snap their husbands/boyfriends out of it.

**Nightmare**: Wow…this is too hot to even be in my armor!

**Emo Tira**: Fantasize about those girls for one more seconds and you'll be sleeping outside tonight!

The judges got back up off of the ground and held up their score simultaneously.

"**A perfect (Ten)!!"** Cervantes said happily. **"This is just what I needed, especially since I'm always on a ship full of sea-men."**

"**Yes, a (Ten) is most appropriate. Maybe I can convince Amy to take up this career path,"** Raphael said with a satisfying grin.

After the ladies performed, they bowed as the audience screamed wildly for their act.

**Nightmare**: And there you have it folks! The Soul Calibur Dolls are tonight's winners!

**Cheerful Tira**: That does it for tonight's Talent Show, folks! I'm Tira!

**Nightmare**: And this is Nightmare signing off!

**_End of Part 3_**

* * *

**The End!**

**That does it for this story! Please review!!**

And be on the lookout for the next fic: **Soul Calibur Wacky Races**, coming late Spring 2008!


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